I’ve posted about slut-shaming before, but I feel it’s necessary to reiterate that calling a woman, nay, anyone a slut is sexist and shaming sexual expression. People get really touchy if you call them out on this, but it needs to happen, people need to know this is not okay. A lot of women are offended by the word “cunt”, I am not, I think “slut” is far more damaging. People will try to rationalize it, and make excuses as to why when THEY say it, it’s totally not sexist. Well, it is, and chances are, someone they know and care about fits their description of a “slut.”

The ways in which people try to rationalize calling someone a slut are ridiculous, and the context is always the same: some women are dirty…

“I’d say the same about a man”

No, you wouldn’t. And even so, the context in which you consider a man a slut is most likely not the same context in which you would consider a woman a slut.

When asked to define a slut, they can’t, but they try really hard or avoid answering completely

They want really badly to have some profound and totally reasonable definition for what a slut is, but no matter the reason they give, it’s always rooted in sexism and shames some aspect of female sexuality. Sometimes it’s people who have a lot of sex. How much sex? How many partners in what amount of time? They can never give a specific answer, they just know that certain behaviors are slutty. But these behaviors don’t seem to be universal for all woman (or men), only women they wish to judge.

It’s different with you

If someone gives a definition for what a slut is, and I point out that I somehow fit that definition, they backpedal and suddenly I’m different for some reason. The reason they don’t want to admit is that they like me, and don’t want to insult me (too late) or they feel uncomfortable because I’ve called them out on their sexism and they want me to think they respect me (obviously not).

 

We get this all the time, and each time it’s just a little more exhausting, annoying, and hurtful. Whether someone is calling me a slut, or a stranger a slut, it hurts, because it’s putting shame on a woman’s sexual choices. Calling a man a slut does not make it any better, it just puts a broader shame on sexual expression.
I was watching Friday The 13th (the remake) with a guy the other night, and one of the female characters was dancing seductively in front of some guys *gasp* and proceeded to be flirtatious with a guy who she had no interest in having sex with. My viewing companion uttered, “what a slut!” I was shocked. She wasn’t having sex with anyone at the time, she wasn’t even talking about having sex. She was dancing and flirting. So naturally, I called him out on it. It’s important to mention that this is a guy I had just had sex with. When he saw the look of dismay on my face he asked, “do you consider yourself a slut?” Ugh. No woman considers herself a slut, not in the negative context in which people use that word. I replied with, “No, I think that ‘slut’ is a way of shaming female sexuality.” He rolled his eyes and said he would say the same for a man. I asked him to define what a slut is, and he completely deflected and said, “I’m not going to have this conversation with you right now, because I’ll miss the entire movie.” Which leads me to the conclusion that even being a “tease” makes women sluts (tease is another can of sexist worms). We’re sluts if we say no, we’re sluts if we say yes. I don’t think I’ll be having sex with this guy again, unless he can learn to not be an idiot and recognize the sexism behind the word “slut.”

There is no way to rationalize calling someone a slut. It’s misogynistic and judgmental, so stop it. I used to say that a slut is anyone having more sex than you. I’ve come to learn that slut is anyone you don’t like engaging in sexual behavior you don’t approve of.

Monthly Q&A Post 1

May 16, 2014

As promised, I am starting a monthly Q&A post. I had to wait to get some questions, so here they are:

 

Q: I have been curious about trying anal with my girlfriend (I’m a dude) and I’m not sure how to approach asking. Any tips?

A: There are certain things that are great to ask for in the “heat of the moment” like oral sex, a certain position, and spanking, to name a few. With anal sex, it really depends on how much you and your partner communicate about sex, both when you’re having it and when you’re not. If this is not something you’ve ever discussed or she’s mentioned she doesn’t think she would try it, maybe try bringing it up when you’re not having sex, afterward is usually a good time, or, you can bring it up casually like mention you read or saw something about it. This also depends on if you’re looking to fuck her in the ass, or if you want her to do it to you with a strap-on. If you want to do her, you can maybe bring up reading something about how anal sex can be surprisingly pleasurable to women, and maybe it would be fun to try. Let her know that you can stop at any time if she’s not comfortable and that if she doesn’t like it, you don’t have to do it. If you want her to do you, maybe go to a sex shop together and browse the strap-ons and mentioned how fun it might be for her to use one of those on you. Maybe even say something like, “I bet you would look really sexy wearing one of those.”

 

Q: How many people have you had sex with?

A: This is an interesting question, because it depends on what you consider to be sex. If we’re only counting intercourse, I have had sex with 13 men. I have had sex with 4 women. As for oral sex and manual stimulation, I have no idea. Probably around 30+.

 

Q: What is your favorite sexual position?

A: I get this question a lot, and my answer tends to vary. Doggy Style is probably one of my faves, but there are so many really good ones. I can tell you my least favorite is cowgirl, but that is just because I have back problems, and being on top for too long can cause my back to hurt more.

 

Q: I think I might have an STD! What should I do?

A: Thanks for asking. A quick Google search can give you some great resources, but of course, I am happy to help. First, you should get tested. Tell the doctor what your symptoms are, so that they know the best course of action for testing. If you don’t have insurance, and are low on income, Planned Parenthood will do sliding scale testing, and some tests are free. If you are positive to an STI, be sure to not only get treatment right away, and tell your recent sexual partners so that they can get tested as well. I know this can be a difficult conversation to have, but keep in mind, one of them might have unknowingly given it to you.

 

Keep sending me your questions at perspectivesonsex@gmail.com

Masturbation

May 7, 2014

May is National Masturbation Month (yes, that’s a thing). Masturbation is a great way to get to know your own body and a fantastic way of showing a partner how you like to be touched. It has been linked to better overall health including blood pressure, relieving migraines and menstrual cramps, and some studies suggest it can even reduce your risk for certain cancers. Masturbation can also help improve sleep patterns, relieve stress, and increase your ability to orgasm with a partner. Mutual masturbation is also a good alternative to sexual intercourse if you’re worried about pregnancy or STIs (there can still be some risk, but it is very minimal).

 

Basically, masturbation is awesome, and everyone should do it. Most people do, but a lot of people lie about it. Touching yourself is not shameful, and you should not feel embarrassed about doing it. It’s natural, healthy, and best of all, fun!

If you would like to submit a question for the monthly Q&A Post, please send an email to perspectivesonsex@gmail.com